Well, that was... Interesting.

Warning: Possible TMI post ahead.

As may have been stated in my first post, I started out with some fairly firm "No"s on my Yes/No/Maybe list. Also as stated, I keep passing those limits. I think I just saw another exit sign whiz by...

I was enjoying some "sexual alone time" last night, but although I was plenty turned on I was having real trouble getting off. The usual fantasies weren't working, and I was totally uninterested in porn or erotica for once.

Now I'd like to point out that I was in a really interesting head-space that evening. Sexually, that little voice in my head that is always soooo paranoid (maybe you know that voice - "Is my leg in the right place? Should I be moving my hips differently? Do I look FAT?? Or maybe that's just me) was completely absent. No fear, no worry that the other person wasn't enjoying themselves (I'd had someone over earlier,) nothing but the act itself and the person I was enjoying it with. Joy!!

So here I was, after, and having no luck finding that orgasm. But being unafraid, my mind took a trip into a part of my sexual map labeled simply "Here There Be Dragons." Lo and behold, I proceeded to experience one of the most intense masturbatory orgasms I've ever had.

Where had it been hiding, you ask?

Apparently... at Daddy's house.

NOT, mind you, my actual father. Nor was I in any way, shape, or form a child.

This is the BDSM "Daddy" (and even so, I feel pretty damned weird writing about it in connection with myself.) Do I know exactly, or even vaguely, what that means? NO. In fact, for all of the lovely books on BDSM I have, I can't seem to find anything that addresses it. Again, this ain't age regression play folks. Eeep, I guess that means I have to think about what it means to me. Here goes...

So, if "Daddy" wasn't my Dad, and I wasn't a child, what was going on? Can I remember the fantasy? I have had some experience with Master/slave play. How was this different? I think it was a safer feeling. Definitely a more familial one (although not incestuous... hmmm, methinks the lady is protesting too much. Eschew fear!) It did feel like home. But not being in that fear-free state right now, what I'm experiencing is low-grade terror - "what's wrong with me? was I abused when I was young? what kind of depraved shit is this??" and you know, that wasn't the experience I had at all.

Perhaps I'm over analyzing this. Lots of people in D/s have daddies. I think for the moment I'll file it under "interesting occurrences in the desert" and keep my eyes peeled for any more sightings. Who knows, maybe there's a "Daddy" in my future. Seems more likely than a Master.

Or maybe not. With me, it's always a bit of a gamble. ;)

Oh, and Sarge? If you're reading this? While our relationship might have been a germinating factor, this isn't why I chose to date you.

*Edit* Found an extremely appropriate quote at this site:
"Most women who have Daddy fantasies say they are not envisioning their actual fathers, but rather the gestalt of Daddy: An authority figure, not necessarily male, who doles out punishment but also protects and nurtures. Likewise, we don't necessarily see ourselves as children in the scene, but rather powerless sex objects wholly at the mercy of someone stronger than ourselves—just as in any scene involving dominance and submission. In the Daddy fantasy, chronological age is irrelevant: a mentality comes into play that is ageless."

*Secondary Edit* Gestalt - good word!