Addiction

Why.  Why have I gone back to confusing sex with love?  Why did I ever do it in the first place?  I know the reason I've been spouting for so long: it's the media.  On television sex = love, or so I've believed for a long, long time.  But does it?

On television, in movies, in books, sex is fulfillment in and of itself.  It can be the answer to a question, the end to a journey, a crucial part in building a relationship.  Wow, this is hard to get out.  It's like my brain is running away from this idea.  Which means I have to chase it.  Head on, from the front of the problem not the back or underneath.

What does sex mean to Me?
-approval, acceptance
-orgasms
-control
-being desired
-

It's like a self-fulfilling cycle - I use it to gain acceptance and affection.  In order to not lose those things, I also try to use it to control my lovers.  Once they are under my control, I lose interest.  The more I possess them, the less I want them.  In the beginning my retreat is also a game - how hard will he chase me, what lengths will he go to to prove his love?  But the faster I run, the harder they cling because that is what they've been trained to do.  And like a bad dog owner...  I'm writing a story here.  This isn't the truth, it's just my ego.

Why?  Why do people want me, lust after me, love me?  I know it's not just my body, they do that whether they have sex with me or not.

I need to stop believing this.  My belief is what causes it to exist, what makes it so strong.  I don't want to believe I'm undesirable though.  My self-acceptance is too low.  This feels like the only way to keep my ego 'healthy'.  Which is a lie.