Truth

I have been playing sexual power games for a long time now.  On top emotionally, submitting physically (in all ways, not just in sex.)  Why?  My sexuality is another part of me, I cannot separate it from my soul.  So why have I been playing these games with it? 

I think that it is because I'm afraid.  Afraid of my power, afraid of my choices, afraid of my responsibility, afraid of ME.  Why?  What about me is so scary?

Is it because sex is sharing?  I've recently realized that I am surrounded by self-made walls & boundaries separating me from others when all I truly crave is to be not alone in life.  But letting others in means letting in danger, letting in someone else's ability to do me harm.  If I let them in, if I let myself need them, they can leave me.  I almost didn't survive it the last time I let it happen.

This feels like a terrible choice to have to make.  Not that it's really an either or choice I suppose.  I already know I cannot continue to be alone in this way.  It is driving me mad.  But do I go back to playing games (even typing that gave me a sense of relief) or do I take the risk, open up, and get crushed again?  I cannot see anything else happening.

So I need to find a way to change what I see.