Last night
Last night was odd.
I went and saw Citizen Cope play at the Showbox with Fun Aunt Susan last night. The show was pretty good (although snob that I am, I really preferred the show in the little club with just him.) But this was still powerful, in a mellow kind of a way.
Unfortunately there was a group of people shouting their conversation over the show that I wound up yelling at (unusual for me.) At which point they passive-aggressively responded in kind. At which point I just looked at them and headed for the main floor. There's the external scene.
Internally I was experiencing something I don't think I've felt since high school. I was... enraged. But in a rather clinical way. But I haven't been urged to physical violence in so long that I'd forgotten I was capable of feeling that way. I wanted to spray her brains out on the floor. It was... scary.
So I didn't fight. I never fight. I've never been in a fight, although I came close a couple of times in high school. It used to be fear of the pain, but I'm past that now. I'd like to get in a fight just to know what it feels like. I don't get into physical confrontations for two reasons: A) I am worried about not being able to hold up my end and B) my philosophy about fighting is to finish it before you start. If I'm winning and they're not willing to stay down I'm not sure that I'd refrain from killing them if it came to that.
I think that's the difference between male and female concepts of violence. Men fight for status, and just to let off steam. It's aggressive. Women fight defensively, and if you get us to the level where we feel the need to physically defend ourselves we'll kill if we have to. Of course, I've got the bonus testosterone which makes me violence prone anyway so I get both. Easily angered and back to the wall mind set.
I know I'm rambling at this point, but I'm still shocked. I don't know how long it's been since I lost control of my emotions that way. I don't want to become that person again. I don't, I don't, I don't.
I went and saw Citizen Cope play at the Showbox with Fun Aunt Susan last night. The show was pretty good (although snob that I am, I really preferred the show in the little club with just him.) But this was still powerful, in a mellow kind of a way.
Unfortunately there was a group of people shouting their conversation over the show that I wound up yelling at (unusual for me.) At which point they passive-aggressively responded in kind. At which point I just looked at them and headed for the main floor. There's the external scene.
Internally I was experiencing something I don't think I've felt since high school. I was... enraged. But in a rather clinical way. But I haven't been urged to physical violence in so long that I'd forgotten I was capable of feeling that way. I wanted to spray her brains out on the floor. It was... scary.
So I didn't fight. I never fight. I've never been in a fight, although I came close a couple of times in high school. It used to be fear of the pain, but I'm past that now. I'd like to get in a fight just to know what it feels like. I don't get into physical confrontations for two reasons: A) I am worried about not being able to hold up my end and B) my philosophy about fighting is to finish it before you start. If I'm winning and they're not willing to stay down I'm not sure that I'd refrain from killing them if it came to that.
I think that's the difference between male and female concepts of violence. Men fight for status, and just to let off steam. It's aggressive. Women fight defensively, and if you get us to the level where we feel the need to physically defend ourselves we'll kill if we have to. Of course, I've got the bonus testosterone which makes me violence prone anyway so I get both. Easily angered and back to the wall mind set.
I know I'm rambling at this point, but I'm still shocked. I don't know how long it's been since I lost control of my emotions that way. I don't want to become that person again. I don't, I don't, I don't.
posted by Artemis at 10:02 PM
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