Ch-ch-changes...
I have spent most of today wandering blearily around my room, watching TV, and wondering when, when I'm going to be able to eat.
As you may have guessed, I went drinking last night. Good lord, did I go drinking. It was the birthday party for two different friends of a friend, and although the only real wish of the birthday girl was to get laid, damn it! we wound up migrating to a local gay bar fairly early on. Not the most well thought out plan, perhaps, but at that point the booze was doing most of the thinking.
Having been freed of the job of getting BDG laid (I'm still not quite sure how they thought I'd pull that off) I proceeded to enjoy the hell out of my first time at a gay bar*. Drank some extremely large, extremely potent Gin&Tonics, made out with an incredibly gay boy, got to know some great new people, did some flirting of questionable appropriateness, and danced my ass off. Then my friend and I stumbled back to my place and passed out (I possibly stiffed our cabbie. Maybe this is a karmic debt hangover...)
When we managed to pry our eyes open again we followed our tradition of the "morning after breakfast". During the course of the conversation I expressed surprise that I opened up the dance floor. Yes, I'd been consuming the great social lubricant, and yes, it was a gay bar so there weren't any guys there I felt the need to impress, but still. I was out alone and dancing on an empty dance floor in a room full of people, and in a place I've never been before.
"So why is that a big deal?"
"Because I've always been shy. Painfully shy!"
"...I have a hard time believing that."
And for just a second I got to see myself through someone else's eyes. I got to see what I project. I keep waiting for the change to happen, to become self-confident, but I realized this morning that it is happening. Right now. It doesn't involve not being afraid, but not letting it stop me.
Yaaay!
Of course, my next step is to apply that to all the other stuff in my life that I don't do because it's scary. ;)
-----
*Best thing about it? No line for the ladies room!
As you may have guessed, I went drinking last night. Good lord, did I go drinking. It was the birthday party for two different friends of a friend, and although the only real wish of the birthday girl was to get laid, damn it! we wound up migrating to a local gay bar fairly early on. Not the most well thought out plan, perhaps, but at that point the booze was doing most of the thinking.
Having been freed of the job of getting BDG laid (I'm still not quite sure how they thought I'd pull that off) I proceeded to enjoy the hell out of my first time at a gay bar*. Drank some extremely large, extremely potent Gin&Tonics, made out with an incredibly gay boy, got to know some great new people, did some flirting of questionable appropriateness, and danced my ass off. Then my friend and I stumbled back to my place and passed out (I possibly stiffed our cabbie. Maybe this is a karmic debt hangover...)
When we managed to pry our eyes open again we followed our tradition of the "morning after breakfast". During the course of the conversation I expressed surprise that I opened up the dance floor. Yes, I'd been consuming the great social lubricant, and yes, it was a gay bar so there weren't any guys there I felt the need to impress, but still. I was out alone and dancing on an empty dance floor in a room full of people, and in a place I've never been before.
"So why is that a big deal?"
"Because I've always been shy. Painfully shy!"
"...I have a hard time believing that."
And for just a second I got to see myself through someone else's eyes. I got to see what I project. I keep waiting for the change to happen, to become self-confident, but I realized this morning that it is happening. Right now. It doesn't involve not being afraid, but not letting it stop me.
Yaaay!
Of course, my next step is to apply that to all the other stuff in my life that I don't do because it's scary.
-----
*Best thing about it? No line for the ladies room!
posted by Artemis at 7:21 PM
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