Things I Know
I thought I'd already posted about this, but apparently not.
I ran into my ex for the first time since we broke up the other day. And made the mistake of looking at his blog (ostensibly to get his wife's contact info, but just as much to see if he'd posted about the meeting. Yes, I was weak.) Which he did. He didn't specify which ex I was, simply that he couldn't see what he'd ever seen in me...
No, wait, technically I think he said that he didn't know why he'd ever thought I was hot... It's still hard to be rejected in such a public manner, by someone who was such a significant part of my life if only for a short while. Although it's really funny that this is bothering me in light of my previous posts about all of these other guys thinking I'm hot.
I don't think he ever really understood why he was attracted to me, which is why our break up happened the way it did. That I was moving away from being the person he had fallen for in an effort to conform to what I thought he wanted. By the time I realized that he had no idea what was happening with me, emotionally, I had already 'spent myself at his alter' as it were. God, that's embarrassing to write. Exactly what I did though. And that was my choice.
It's what I do with everyone I date to one degree or another. I've been running away from the fact that the thing about him that I could never be OK with is of course our strongest similarity. It drove me nuts that no matter how much he said that he loved me, I always felt that not only did I take second place to his wife and his work, but to every other damned person on the planet who was able to form an opinion of him. It drove me crazy that his need to have strangers validate him, or the mask he wore for them, seemed more important to him than I was.
But looking to an outside source for approval is just that, no matter if it's a stranger's or a loved one's. I know that someone else's opinion of me actually has nothing to do with me. It says far more about them. Is there any difference between his need for public approval and my sometimes overwhelming need for private approval? Is there really any difference?
No.
Because no one sees us clearly. We all see everything and everybody through a haze of our own prejudices, opinions, assumptions, doubts, and most importantly, fears. Another's opinion of you can tell you much about them, but has almost nothing to do with who you are.
The reason I always judged him so harshly on this account was because I was trying so hard to ignore my own counterpart behavior. My insidious, repetitive choices to undermine and betray who I am and what I believe to gain outside approval, specifically from men. Valuing someone else's opinion of me as automatically more worthy than my own. Particularly when I consciously, cognizantly, and instinctually know better. Each time I knew it was a mistake and yet chose do it anyway. Case in point, above mentioned obsession with guys chasing me.
But it feels good to get it out, to not hide from it. To admit it to the world (alright, clearly I'm going to have to write this somewhere else too, or that's a bunk statement.) To own it, not as something my family trained me to do, not as something I can't help doing, but as something I have chosen each time it happens.
To be an adult, rather than a child. And to stop and say:
No More
I ran into my ex for the first time since we broke up the other day. And made the mistake of looking at his blog (ostensibly to get his wife's contact info, but just as much to see if he'd posted about the meeting. Yes, I was weak.) Which he did. He didn't specify which ex I was, simply that he couldn't see what he'd ever seen in me...
No, wait, technically I think he said that he didn't know why he'd ever thought I was hot... It's still hard to be rejected in such a public manner, by someone who was such a significant part of my life if only for a short while. Although it's really funny that this is bothering me in light of my previous posts about all of these other guys thinking I'm hot.
I don't think he ever really understood why he was attracted to me, which is why our break up happened the way it did. That I was moving away from being the person he had fallen for in an effort to conform to what I thought he wanted. By the time I realized that he had no idea what was happening with me, emotionally, I had already 'spent myself at his alter' as it were. God, that's embarrassing to write. Exactly what I did though. And that was my choice.
It's what I do with everyone I date to one degree or another. I've been running away from the fact that the thing about him that I could never be OK with is of course our strongest similarity. It drove me nuts that no matter how much he said that he loved me, I always felt that not only did I take second place to his wife and his work, but to every other damned person on the planet who was able to form an opinion of him. It drove me crazy that his need to have strangers validate him, or the mask he wore for them, seemed more important to him than I was.
But looking to an outside source for approval is just that, no matter if it's a stranger's or a loved one's. I know that someone else's opinion of me actually has nothing to do with me. It says far more about them. Is there any difference between his need for public approval and my sometimes overwhelming need for private approval? Is there really any difference?
No.
Because no one sees us clearly. We all see everything and everybody through a haze of our own prejudices, opinions, assumptions, doubts, and most importantly, fears. Another's opinion of you can tell you much about them, but has almost nothing to do with who you are.
The reason I always judged him so harshly on this account was because I was trying so hard to ignore my own counterpart behavior. My insidious, repetitive choices to undermine and betray who I am and what I believe to gain outside approval, specifically from men. Valuing someone else's opinion of me as automatically more worthy than my own. Particularly when I consciously, cognizantly, and instinctually know better. Each time I knew it was a mistake and yet chose do it anyway. Case in point, above mentioned obsession with guys chasing me.
But it feels good to get it out, to not hide from it. To admit it to the world (alright, clearly I'm going to have to write this somewhere else too, or that's a bunk statement.) To own it, not as something my family trained me to do, not as something I can't help doing, but as something I have chosen each time it happens.
To be an adult, rather than a child. And to stop and say:
No More
posted by Artemis at 10:41 PM
2 Comments:
Well-written, and work to be proud of. That said - and in typical guy fashion - what are you going to do about it?
In my case self-knowledge has led primarily to an acceptance of choices & behaviors that are less-than-idea. Not in all cases, but in most. That said I'm much happier with myself now that I used to be. In some ways I've gotten better - somewhat more honest, somewhat less selfish, somewhat more compassionate, however rather than agonizing about where I've not improved and beat myself up about it...I let it go.
That doesn't mean I don't feel guilt, and and don't further moderate and possibly change...but beyond a certain point the guilt is counter-productive. Some might say I've given in or been co-opted. My response is that I'm a much happier person, and that's all I'm ultimately in control of.
I was talking at lunch today about the book I'm reading, 'The Four Agreements'. The fourth agreement is to always do your best, and to recognize that your best is going to change on an instant to instant basis. That doesn't mean you've failed, or that you're not trying.
That was a really great thing to read, because I really tend to not tollerate anything less than perfection, my all-time best work. Which is a big part of the reason that I am where I am at today. But if I can be content with doing my best and having that be good enough, then I'll be able to better keep the first conscious agreement I ever made with myself: "Regret Nothing".
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