Not Particularly Sad...

...but I feel like I should be. In fact my brain keeps trying to find ways to make me sad. Silly thing. Not nearly as good at it as it used to be though. I'm getting better at this.

I've been going through a rough time the last few months. I made a decision a while back to go against my ethical code. It was easily the most painful decision that I've ever made; actually, physically painful the moment I made it. Ironically I still don't know why I made it.

And I've been paying, and paying, and paying for that... I'm not even sure I got much of a lesson out of this mistake. Perhaps that's why my soul cried out against this so much at the start. So far, what I've gotten from this is visceral confirmation of basic folklore: if you use wrong action to gain a thing, that thing is what you will not get. Period. There is no modifying clause to that statement. You may get something close, you may think you've gotten the thing itself, but it will reveal itself to be fool's gold in the end. To those who know of this situation - don't assume you know what my goal was. I'm still having trouble figuring it out.

So today a friend told me they found Jesus, and that made me genuinely happy. I'm not Christian anymore, but I was at one time and still feel it to be worthwhile and valuable in and of itself. This is where they should be. But they said that I seemed "lost" and I think they may have mentioned ministering to me. To that I say you're right - I have been lost. I've been lost since I chose to step off of my path into the trackless wilderness. But I took that step with my eyes open, knowing I was leaving the path that was correct for me. I know now that I can find it again as well. I appreciate the care behind wanting to help me, and I'd love to talk with you about what you're learning, to see it through your eyes. But that is your path. Not mine. I've been a fair way down it, and realized that it wasn't going to take me places I needed to go before I reached the end.

I didn't need a change in my life or in my perspective to realize that what I did was wrong, or why. I knew, felt it was wrong when I did it, and did it anyway. I backslid in Christian terminology, as I'm sure I will again, as we all do. It doesn't invalidate either my path or theirs.

I'm sticking with mine.

Now where's that machete...?

*edit* Have spoken with the above mentioned convert today, and was told that 'ministering' to me never came up. That "memory" was my paranoia at work, not their action. My apologies, and all the love and hope in the world to them.