I Want to Say I Can't...

...but really, I just don't want to help this feeling. I just want to blame somebody for the way I'm feeling right now. And I can't help but wonder if that's not at least a little bit valid.

I take responsibility for how I feel right now. I know if it weren't for the choices that I made I wouldn't be in this situation. That said, I can't help but be at least a little pissed off that the catalyst situation for my current emotional turmoil was simply someone else's refusal to own up to their own goddamn life. They're happy now, and have found their answer, and what do I have? This shitty feeling of being someone else's lesson.

I just feel so goddamn STUPID. I threw away my own happiness to join someone else's misery, only to have them turn around and find the way out while I wallow in this stupid fucking mire.

The ironic thing is that they apologized for this situation immediately, but I didn't get what had happened yet so didn't take it too seriously. Now I do, and it's just too damn late. Goddamn, I am pissed off...

But wait...

Ya know, in the end? This is just funny. Here I am, ranting and raving, over what? Something that in a lot of ways I didn't take all that seriously in the first place. Not that my feelings weren't true or deep, but I always knew the score on some level. I can't even explain it properly, but this is just... funny! Hehehe...

I'm still kind of pissed at the person involved. If they loved me why did they feel the need to drag me into this muck? I feel like the rescuer that gets pushed under by the panicky drowning person. Actually, that makes it easier to cope with... It's not like they knew any better. Hell, they only just realized that they were drowning.



Ah, conventional wisdom. It's humbling to know that I don't have it all figured out yet. C'est la vie...