Boats, chains, roads, roots

A recent meme informed me that my hidden talent was for "rocking the boat". My first reaction was "wrong!"... but then, I'm far from the mythical "stereotypical American". Hmmm.... I think I need to go back to my more rebellious roots. I have become too bland and middle of the road in my never ending search for outside approval. Although renewed search might be a better way of putting that. But I'm getting past that place of need again. Fuck it, what has the approval of others ever done for me but distract me from my own growth, my own sense of right?

Everything for me seems to come back to the idea that there is one way out of this middle ground mire of constant, jerk-sharp scramblings between resentful dependence and bitterly held freedom. Choosing to either be only part of a whole, to sublimate myself in a relationship, to give myself over, or to be alone, emotionally at least, to take a path of solitude to whatever invisible goal it is that I've been chasing all these years. Which is odd, because it is the same crossroads I find myself at on my spiritual path. Do I seek the god within, or the god without?

Knowing that they are one and the same is all well and good, but I still need to pick a path. I'm not sure I can do it both ways at the same time. I have traveled a ways on each path, but neither seems to be good enough. The god outside is too restricting - I'm past the point at which I am willing to accept any outside restraint on my own code of ethics (consciously, at least.) On the other hand, I am not sure I possess the emotional strength and (more importantly) balance to walk the solitary path right now...

But how true is that, really? A great quote, I think my favorite: "Should I bring my own chains?" "We always do." If I don't have the strength, the balance, right now that I did have not all that long ago, why is that? I am different every day, but when you get down to the core, the soul, I am always me. I can feel that strength, that love and joy, waiting for me to stop saying that it isn't there and use it.

It's time for me to stop embracing this pain, seeking it out. Because, in the end, I haven't slipped on my path, I haven't lost ground. I'd forgotten - there is no path. I can't think of a good way to put that (greater people than I have been trying for ages.)

Be centered in the now.

And stop talking.