"That's All I'm Asking for! (That's All She's Asking for!)"

Which seems to be not a whole heck of a lot lately. I know myself, at least in this way. I'm still breaking myself of that evil, insidious "I probably won't get it so I'm not gonna want it" training.

(Well, silly is probably a better word. Let's not get the bad habit overly impressed with itself, eh? Hell, me either. The last thing I need to be doing is patting myself on the back because I've got a weird/hard/interesting hang up. Like that matters... Hehehe... Wait, wait, train of thought derailing...!)

So, right. I know me, I have set myself up for failure as far as getting my move accomplished on schedule, and ultimately at all. But goddamn it, I am NOT falling for my psyche's stupid parlor tricks this time around. Although, since I seem to do my best work in crisis mode maybe I've just set myself up to really shine... who knows.

Did some good work today. Not as good as it could have been, but for being exhausted not bad. Gonna keep on keeping on. I will accomplish this, and nothing will stand in my way.

Not even me.

P.S. - I think from the title I had a different post in mind when I started, but now that song is linked in my head so it stays.

P.P.S. - Once again, Sarge has inadvertently (or possibly not?) given me another great gift. He's been pretty open about stating that he doesn't believe I'm leaving. I'm not sure whether or not he ever encountered my mulish nature though - the fact that I dig my heels in and work the hardest not for my own desires but in opposition of other's. Him saying that I won't go has given me the best goad so far for breaking my inertia and fucking doing this. He just left for his two week vacation, and his first day back is my last day here. I've debated going after a job that will require me immediately, just so that I'll already be gone when he gets back. Not to hurt him, but simply as my most powerful refutal of his opinion. That's a mostly a fantasy, but it is a great outline of this particular tendency of mine, and how much it can dominate my life when I let it.

I don't think I'll do it though. A wryly ironic universe aside, this is in all probability the last time I will ever see Sarge... (Ye Gods, what a weirdly muted emotional maelstrom that thought creates!) I plan on asking for a hug. And getting one, I realize. Part of me wants to ask for a goodbye kiss as well, but... I just don't know. I've always been one to go out with a bang, or at least with full acknowledgement of loss. This was such a life affecting relationship for me, more than any other romantic relationship I've ever had. To part just as friends... To not say goodbye to a (former) lover that I care about more than I could ever express... doesn't seem right. But, he has his faith, his marriage, his life, and I love him. The last thing in the world I want is to screw that up for him, even in his own head. Although, typing that, I've come to the realization that I will just ask for what I (want? need?) and let him give his answer as he will.

Hmm... It just occurred to me... I wonder if he'll miss my last day, just to avoid that situation. I'd understand, but wow, that would suck.

Ah, well. C'est la vie.


P.P.P.S. Hey, I guess I am asking for something. Nice to see my mind can still be circularly enigmatic when it wants to.