I've become used to being adored, for a lack of a better word. By M, Sarge, random men who flitted in and out of my life - this is the way I've come to expect to be treated; this is how I expect my romantic partners to feel about me. My relationship with Sarge was both my most significant and the last (and best) one that filled that... let's call it a position... for me.
I don't want to call it a need; that's not what it is. It's not a desire either. It's an addiction.
The last few people I've been involved with haven't given me that. Exactly the opposite, in fact. And while I've been gnashing my teeth over these unfulfilling relationships I've known what the problem was.
It was that I
wanted someone to adore me. In the past when I have received this kind of affection from people, it has always been when I'm at my strongest and most independent. That is far from how I'm feeling now. Let's go back to the beginning. Why do I feel the need to be adored? To enable me to feel good about myself. To like myself. To love myself. Which cycles back to my favorite piece of love advice:
"You have to love yourself first. No one knows you better than you do. The person you are with will follow your lead and treat you as the person you believe yourself to be. If you don't like that person, the odds are good that they won't either."
I'm having trouble loving myself when I don't feel loved by another again. Is this due to mistakes I've made, choices that I cannot rationally condone? Is it Karmic backlash for my vanity regarding my level of enlightenment? Is it simply "the next lesson"?
Who knows.
Regardless, the cause isn't as important as the solution. I need to learn, grow, progress. I have to let go of this empty place inside of me. I only feel hollow because I've decided to. I don't need a relationship to make me whole. I'd like more friends up here. I'd love some that don't know the Cap'n so that I don't spend all my time being sucked into his life, his problems, and everyone else's problems with him. I want a job, but more importantly I need the fulfillment of good work. I have to decide if I'm going to do this project and more importantly
how. If I don't do this what will I do. I need to get up, to move, to decide.
I need to fill the void in my life.
When I'm actually ready someone will come along who can appreciate that. Then it remains to me to stay strong, stay independent. Continuing to live for myself while loving another. A tall order, but I can handle it.
