Backdated post...

...about a kicking halloween party. Includes the propositioning of J and my first meeting with D&S. Here's a link!

Heehee...

What is it about us humans? Or is it just me? Today I saw a recent picture of an ex. Someone that I was intensely attracted to and turned on by. He's slimmed down and muscled up. And all I could think was "man, did he always look that goofy?"

This isn't bitter about the breakup drama, or veiled hostility. I still miss him from time to time. He did have oodles of charisma, and was a warm, funny, caring guy. That's probably what did it for me...

I'm gonna miss J when he leaves

He's off to India for 6 months in a few weeks and M's not comfortable with our sexual relationship continuing when he returns, although that may very well change.

While he's been here though he's been a ton of fun. And really, really open to kink. As in, I make a suggestion, he says "sure, lets try it."

Ahhhh.....

I don't know what to title this... but it's long.

A couple of weeks ago, we went to a party. A birthday party. In fact, it was the D's birthday - the male half of the couple who had propositioned M and myself for couples dating and possible fooling around/sex. M and I both found this intriguing and the couple hot, so we were all kinds of down for it. We've since been trying really hard to determine what exactly they want, are comfortable with, etc., to absolutely no avail. The only thing that S (the female half of the couple) would ever say was different variations of "We don't like to plan. We go out, have some fun, whatever happens, happens." So we took her at her word and quit pushing. Whatever went down would go down.

Fast forward to the invite, sent to M via instant messenger. In it S stated that she was hoping it would turn into an orgy. So far I haven't found orgies to be my thing, especially with a bunch of people I don't know. On our way there I told M that if that happened he was welcome to stay but I would probably go home. We get to the party, drinking happens. I think I made an offhanded comment about kissing D, at which point S said that if that happened she wanted to watch. So I called her over and kissed D, then S. I praised their kissing ability, which from me is just a compliment - it's like saying "wow, you can jump really high!"

I mingled, chatted, reconnected with the girl from the earlier party (who still hasn't called) and got to know folks. D and I kissed a few more times. S said that that was making her uncomfortable, at which point I stopped. About halfway through the night she and I were having a smoke and she says she told me that no sex was happening - I don't remember this, but I'd been drinking. Guitar Hero was played, the party wound down, M and I went home thinking a good time had been had by all. OK, I thought that. M thought that S was rethinking being OK with sex with him. He thought she must have agreed to it just so D and I could get down, and that she was uncomfortable because of that.

Yesterday, S messaged M to tell him that I had made her, D, and everyone else at the party really uncomfortable. It bugged her that I was talking about what a good kisser D was right in front of her, and she thought that I was mostly going for shock value, since the only people she'd seen me interacting with were taken guys and the girl from the earlier party. Also, all of her friends had been really embarrassed for her. She wasn't comfortable with my behavior, and had thought things were going to progress more "naturally".

Last night I messaged S to try and straighten things out. She told me that she'd been offended by what I did and the things I said. I was referencing things she said in her IM to M, which also really offended her and she accused me of "taking things out of context." At this point I did the copy and paste thing, and she said it was out of context because I hadn't put in the line right before, which by either of our standpoints was unrelated to the topic at hand. Also, when she said she was hoping for an orgy, apparently she was joking, and she said we should have known that. I was being placatory because I don't like to have people upset with me, and by the end things seemed OK.

But this has been bugging me all day. I've talked to M about it, who said that I wasn't being overly outrageous at the party, and our roommate L for her advice as well. Both of them are of the opinion that this is S's issue and she's not being honest about what she wants. M's sure the orgy comment wasn't a joke, and thinks that S may be "just wearing the pansexual shirt" because she thinks it's a cool concept.

I'm nonetheless finding myself riddled with self-doubt over this. For my part:

A) Making out is not a prelude to sex for me. It's just kissing, and fun. We didn't get hot and heavy, I didn't push, D didn't say no, and when S asked me to stop I did. Cold, and for the rest of the evening.
B)I was talking to R (the above mentioned girl) because I like her and wanted to know why she hadn't called. I was talking to taken guys because they were interesting, safer (since I wasn't there for sex,) and because I socialize with men more easily. Always have. I was also talking to single guys, one of whom S has been angling to take the virginity of. Also, other girls. Pretty much, two thirds of the people there. I was being affectionate (trying to get someone to sit on my lap) because everyone was drinking, and I let down some of my "don't freak people out" barriers when that's the case. And he'd already been cuddly with me.
C) My behavior is natural. For me. I tried to explain that to her in the IM and was cut off because she said that wasn't what we were talking about at all. So I never got to give her the canned "natural ain't the same for everybody sweetie" speech, and from there segue into why the limit of her willingness to talk about our interaction being "things happening naturally" doesn't work because we don't have the same nature. Apparently "what happens happens" also doesn't work, since when things even kind of happened she (or possibly they) got upset.

I didn't get to say any of that to S, because she wasn't interested in what I had to say. M's take on our conversation (which I agree with) is that she was uncomfortable, but if she's wearing the pansexual shirt then that couldn't be because of her and therefore must be my fault. Or that she just over thought the situation - she thought of things that could have happened that would have made her uncomfortable, which became things that, in her head, did happen.

As I said, this has had me feeling unsettled all day. I've never had this kind of reaction to, well, other people's reactions to me. Not since I embraced my sexuality, anyway. I've come several realizations. One, that I've never done an open relationship as a primary partner before, so I'm having to rethink my behavior in response to this type of occurrence. S is M's friend, so I'm not comfortable with my standard "they aren't ready for this and I'm not up for drama, so cut contact" response. Two, and more importantly, I've lost touch with my internal compass. The little voice inside that told me what was right, what was wrong, and never led me astray has been out of reach. I've been drifting without that assurance that I'd know if I did anything wrong, and if I didn't then this is their problem, not mine. Which sounds arrogant I guess, but as I said, it never led me wrong. I just chose to ignore it at times.

I've been feeling bad, but I know that this kind of feeling makes me introspective, which always leads to progress on my path. So it's a good thing, if not a fun thing. As I've been writing, I've been feeling calmer and calmer. At this point, anything happening with D&S will take some actual work on their part. They've lost their free "I'm going to assume you're being honest with yourself and me" card. Also, I really need to start meditating again. I hadn't realized I was doing it until I stopped. I think that will help me access my compass, which evidently is a requirement for an open sexual relationship for me.

I feel better. Thanks for riding out this ridiculously long post with me.

Oh, and thanks for your help too, M!