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Today I feel so alone. This sucks. So I'm moving this feeling from me to this post. It can die here for all I care.
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Hmm... I decided rather suddenly that this last weekend would be no sex, no booze, no... mindless hedonism. I wonder if this is just withdrawl? :)

Late at Night

Well, late for me anyway. I slept plenty last night, but it's after midnight and I'm definitely feeling it. Still have to do my injection tonight (can't allow myself to "forget" again) so this is yet another quickie. One of these days you'll get another full post...

I'm feeling just a little maudlin right now. Not much, certainly not as much as I'm capable of. Just slightly lonely. Funny, since I just got back from hanging out with one of my closest friends. But still, now I'm home and there's no one to talk to. For whatever reasons no one's posting to their blogs which is my stand in when actual company isn't available. I'm not terribly interested in IM'ing the folks that are on at the moment.

I've been talking about not quite being ready to move back out to the country again. I've only been living in the city for a few years, it's too soon! But that said, it will be so nice to share a house with people whom I love and who love me back. To be able to talk to somebody who's up on nights like this, or climb into bed and cuddle and know I'm welcome. For that I would give up much. Not that I'm being asked to.

Hmmm... Just got an IM from our Captain (whom I share an interesting and sometimes peskily intense bond with.) His little brothers' Grandfather just died. He's pretty down. I wonder how much of this mood is runoff of his? I wonder how much more intense it will get when we live together? When we're doing well we can do amazing things together. When one of us is doing badly we can drag the other down. We need to work out a way to reverse that and send each other the good more strongly. Note to self...

One of Those Moods

While my mood palette is fairly varied, I have a few odd tones that I don't experience often but that do appear pretty regularly. It's almost like a timer. Today is one of those. How to describe it?

It's seems kind of mean, but I actually feel quite chipper. Very matter-of-fact. "Oh, you're causing me an inconvenience? That's cute. I'm now going to make your life a living hell until you stop inconveniencing me and give me what I want because, well, I can. And that's more than enough reason. Let's start with your left hand..." All said with a smile, of course.

Days like this the name Artemis feels appropriate. Now where'd I put that bow...?

Quick Cross-Post

I have to say, this is a particularly nifty blog concept. Have any anonymous secrets to share?

*Edit*
I've actually read through the blog now. My opinion? I think it's brilliant. I want to send something in...

...but I don't have much by the way of secrets. That's a problem I never even imagined.

(Many thanks to Cherie Priest for the link!)

Joy!

The world is a beautiful, beautiful place. I am supremely grateful to be a part of it.

Love you!

Ch-ch-changes...

I have spent most of today wandering blearily around my room, watching TV, and wondering when, when I'm going to be able to eat.

As you may have guessed, I went drinking last night. Good lord, did I go drinking. It was the birthday party for two different friends of a friend, and although the only real wish of the birthday girl was to get laid, damn it! we wound up migrating to a local gay bar fairly early on. Not the most well thought out plan, perhaps, but at that point the booze was doing most of the thinking.

Having been freed of the job of getting BDG laid (I'm still not quite sure how they thought I'd pull that off) I proceeded to enjoy the hell out of my first time at a gay bar*. Drank some extremely large, extremely potent Gin&Tonics, made out with an incredibly gay boy, got to know some great new people, did some flirting of questionable appropriateness, and danced my ass off. Then my friend and I stumbled back to my place and passed out (I possibly stiffed our cabbie. Maybe this is a karmic debt hangover...)

When we managed to pry our eyes open again we followed our tradition of the "morning after breakfast". During the course of the conversation I expressed surprise that I opened up the dance floor. Yes, I'd been consuming the great social lubricant, and yes, it was a gay bar so there weren't any guys there I felt the need to impress, but still. I was out alone and dancing on an empty dance floor in a room full of people, and in a place I've never been before.

"So why is that a big deal?"
"Because I've always been shy. Painfully shy!"
"...I have a hard time believing that."

And for just a second I got to see myself through someone else's eyes. I got to see what I project. I keep waiting for the change to happen, to become self-confident, but I realized this morning that it is happening. Right now. It doesn't involve not being afraid, but not letting it stop me.

Yaaay!

Of course, my next step is to apply that to all the other stuff in my life that I don't do because it's scary. ;)

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*Best thing about it? No line for the ladies room!

The Same Step

--I wrote this a few weeks ago but didn't know how to finish it, so didn't post. I like it though, so up it goes finished or not.

I wonder how many more times I am going to take this particular step on my journey. I've been here so often it's starting to feel like home. At least, that's how I'm perceiving it at this juncture.

Is it a case of having to let go of romance all together? That seems to be a step in the lives of many of our prophets and messiahs. I'm certainly not on their level of awareness, but if that's where we're all destined to end up should I just take that step? Or is that cheating? Avoiding the lesson, rather than learning what I need to know. Doing something because someone else did, rather than because I feel it to be my path, my dharma... That doesn't feel like truth to me.

It feels more like I simply keep taking this one particular path. I've been on it before, I wind up at this particular point. Should I be surprised?

Except that isn't taking enough ownership. I am not just the traveller, I am the path itself. This time around, after the actions were over and done with I could actually see them as distinct choices to come to this precipice. As if I saw a break in the foliage, leading somewhere else, to other paths, and not only didn't take them but fled them in fear. My programming at work but also my will.

Which leaves me with a moral dilemma/question. I recognize that these decisions affect others than myself, and accept responsibility. I am sorry for subjecting others to my self-destructive behaviors, especially when I know better. But if I am both path and traveller, are they not both as well? What part of their larger path is this? They've been here, or at least someplace similar, before...

Things I Know

I thought I'd already posted about this, but apparently not.

I ran into my ex for the first time since we broke up the other day. And made the mistake of looking at his blog (ostensibly to get his wife's contact info, but just as much to see if he'd posted about the meeting. Yes, I was weak.) Which he did. He didn't specify which ex I was, simply that he couldn't see what he'd ever seen in me...

No, wait, technically I think he said that he didn't know why he'd ever thought I was hot... It's still hard to be rejected in such a public manner, by someone who was such a significant part of my life if only for a short while. Although it's really funny that this is bothering me in light of my previous posts about all of these other guys thinking I'm hot.

I don't think he ever really understood why he was attracted to me, which is why our break up happened the way it did. That I was moving away from being the person he had fallen for in an effort to conform to what I thought he wanted. By the time I realized that he had no idea what was happening with me, emotionally, I had already 'spent myself at his alter' as it were. God, that's embarrassing to write. Exactly what I did though. And that was my choice.

It's what I do with everyone I date to one degree or another. I've been running away from the fact that the thing about him that I could never be OK with is of course our strongest similarity. It drove me nuts that no matter how much he said that he loved me, I always felt that not only did I take second place to his wife and his work, but to every other damned person on the planet who was able to form an opinion of him. It drove me crazy that his need to have strangers validate him, or the mask he wore for them, seemed more important to him than I was.

But looking to an outside source for approval is just that, no matter if it's a stranger's or a loved one's. I know that someone else's opinion of me actually has nothing to do with me. It says far more about them. Is there any difference between his need for public approval and my sometimes overwhelming need for private approval? Is there really any difference?

No.

Because no one sees us clearly. We all see everything and everybody through a haze of our own prejudices, opinions, assumptions, doubts, and most importantly, fears. Another's opinion of you can tell you much about them, but has almost nothing to do with who you are.

The reason I always judged him so harshly on this account was because I was trying so hard to ignore my own counterpart behavior. My insidious, repetitive choices to undermine and betray who I am and what I believe to gain outside approval, specifically from men. Valuing someone else's opinion of me as automatically more worthy than my own. Particularly when I consciously, cognizantly, and instinctually know better. Each time I knew it was a mistake and yet chose do it anyway. Case in point, above mentioned obsession with guys chasing me.

But it feels good to get it out, to not hide from it. To admit it to the world (alright, clearly I'm going to have to write this somewhere else too, or that's a bunk statement.) To own it, not as something my family trained me to do, not as something I can't help doing, but as something I have chosen each time it happens.

To be an adult, rather than a child. And to stop and say:

No More

Should I be Worried?

This is kind of strange. I seem to be attracting things. Ok, men. But, a lot of them. And in weird ways. Example one:

I ran into M1 for the first time in at least 8 months outside my office on Monday. I was just talking to M3, who works with me, about it today. Then this evening I was calling people looking for someone to hang with and called M2 on a whim. Guess who's doing contract work for my company this/next week? Oh yes, that's right, M2 will be working for M3.

Or how 'bout this?

I get out of the shower this afternoon, and stepping out of the bathroom I see my roommate Bruce with some hot Ukrainian dude. Who then proceeded to hit on me the whole time he was there, get an invite to a show, and weasel the fact that I belong to a sex club out of me. Which he now says he's joining. Has my macking account been upgraded to "to door" delivery?

Is the universe trying to tell me something here? I've already been on two dates last weekend, have two tentatively scheduled for this week, and am going out on Saturday to help a friend of a friend pick up a boy. Although I'm debating just giving her one of mine. It's feast or famine, always. I haven't 'dated' in I don't know how long. Several months at least. Now they're pouring out of the woodwork.

If only I could put a few on ice to save for later.... ;)

Amuse Me!

I really need to become famous. I came to the realization this weekend (again, with help) that I am in fact a total Diva. In my world it is all about me, and if not, why not? I pretty much operate under the opinion that people should consider themselves lucky if they get to be in my life, and act accordingly. I've always considered myself kind of quiet; this (as with so many things) was a surprise. But hell, as long as I'm going to be a Diva I may as well own it.

Now I just need to build up my fanbase. I want to be able to demand amusement via my blog, ala Warren Ellis.

Living in the Moment II

FYI - I'm annoyed, but not at anyone but myself. This wasn't meant to be an attack. If I didn't want to be treated like 'the other woman' I shouldn't have taken the job.

It is to laugh, no?

Living in the Moment

Had an amazing weekend, but coming back to work has reminded me of other parts of my life that I'm having some trouble adjusting to. It's gone from hanging out with Sarge nearly every day to not really spending any significant time with him for, what... two, two and a half weeks now? Hell, I haven't even gotten a hug yet.

Which is all for the best I suppose, but I am moving from feeling rejected to a little pissed (I like to be notified of changes in my relationships, thank you very much.) I don't deal with rejection well; I usually try to "fix" it right away because it is such a difficult feeling for me. I've always been like that. The problem being that my immediate fixes of that type in the end just worsen the problem.

I met some interesting people over the weekend, one of whom accidentally gave me some great advice. He reminded me to live in the moment, and that I don't have to run away from that feeling. Just to exist with it. Accept that it's there, note it, and move on.

It's working amazingly well.

So of course, the universe ups the stakes again and I run into M1 while waiting for the bus. This was the first time I'd seen him since we split up. But it was much friendlier than I expected. He does seem a little more... manic than he used to be. Or maybe it was just the unexpected meeting. The name dropping was cute. But, as I said, all in all very nice. Still doing the Mom thing which I've missed. Hey! Now I've had a Mom and a Daddy with the same name!

Coming soon, a much more entertaining post about my fabulous weekend.

Hooray!

Juanita just called to let me know that she and Brendan are hitting the Paradise Pool Party and wanted to know if I'd like a ride.

Yaaay!

Happy naked pool time at the commune! One of these days I'm going to use the Aphrodite/Eros shrine too. Plus it's just such a pretty area. The marsh with the floating islands is particularly cool.

A great demonstration of... dunno, have to find a good word for it. Just having a good attitude, not getting sucked into your ego. I was bummed because I was lonely, decided to get off my ass and be happy anyway, and then friends call to invite me to something I've been wanting to go to forever. Ah, karma.

Now, off to get yummy chai tea!

Last night

Last night was odd.

I went and saw Citizen Cope play at the Showbox with Fun Aunt Susan last night. The show was pretty good (although snob that I am, I really preferred the show in the little club with just him.) But this was still powerful, in a mellow kind of a way.

Unfortunately there was a group of people shouting their conversation over the show that I wound up yelling at (unusual for me.) At which point they passive-aggressively responded in kind. At which point I just looked at them and headed for the main floor. There's the external scene.

Internally I was experiencing something I don't think I've felt since high school. I was... enraged. But in a rather clinical way. But I haven't been urged to physical violence in so long that I'd forgotten I was capable of feeling that way. I wanted to spray her brains out on the floor. It was... scary.

So I didn't fight. I never fight. I've never been in a fight, although I came close a couple of times in high school. It used to be fear of the pain, but I'm past that now. I'd like to get in a fight just to know what it feels like. I don't get into physical confrontations for two reasons: A) I am worried about not being able to hold up my end and B) my philosophy about fighting is to finish it before you start. If I'm winning and they're not willing to stay down I'm not sure that I'd refrain from killing them if it came to that.

I think that's the difference between male and female concepts of violence. Men fight for status, and just to let off steam. It's aggressive. Women fight defensively, and if you get us to the level where we feel the need to physically defend ourselves we'll kill if we have to. Of course, I've got the bonus testosterone which makes me violence prone anyway so I get both. Easily angered and back to the wall mind set.

I know I'm rambling at this point, but I'm still shocked. I don't know how long it's been since I lost control of my emotions that way. I don't want to become that person again. I don't, I don't, I don't.

Journeys

From the trip:

I'm on the plane to Minneapolis, then off to Brownsburg. Dozed for a while, feel much better. The world was a little skewed this morning.

Flying over farmland, a patchwork quilt of fields, rivers, lakes, towns, and roads, the shadows of fluffy stratus (cumulus?) clouds passing over all of it. It looks the the fortune telling device of some druid or gypsy. Clouds cast in Augury, searching for answers. I feel hungry but not for food. Is there sustenance for me down there? Where must I go to find my answers?

I know the answer to that. My answers (or at least the paths to them) are inside of me, locked away again until I choose to clear my Karma. In the end, our ultimate barrier is always ourselves.

I've got 'Road to Nowhere' running through my head. Ironic. I'm on no road to somewhere.

I just want to leap out of this plane, freefall, see the world come rushing at me. Knowing that I've got a parachute, but if it doesn't open there's not a damn thing I can do about it except enjoy the ride until...

How to say what I'm feeling?

I feel like I could reach right through this window. It's been coming in like the tide the last few years, this awareness of maya, of the illusory nature of the world we live in. Suddenly everything will look exactly the same, but 'feels' 2-dimensional. Like I could tear right through it like a paper screen. I sometimes wonder if I could and it's just my fear of the unknown that prevents me. All I ever picture on the other side is a dimensionless black.

Oh look! A cloud shaped like a shoehorn!

Oh, I want to express the world right now. I want to sing, to dance, to exult at a funeral and mourn at a wedding. It's all one and so indescribably beautiful. My soul can't even describe it to my mind. I want to fall like rain and grow like grass and run like a river. I want to go flying with my lover inside of me.

Oh, joy and sorrow and wonder and horror and creation and destruction and all the endless rounds of life and death. Why don't I have a word for this feeling?

A Day in the Life - Part Two

It's almost funny, she thinks; all the times she's been warned against dating her co-workers, "because you'll end up fondling yourself in the company bathroom" never came up as a reason. Her mind begins to interweave last night's fantasy with the afternoon's events...

"Unbutton your pants."

Fingers rubbing, sliding, kneading... She doesn't reply, lost in the sensations.

"Did you hear me, little girl? I said unbutton your pants." He smiles, tweaking her nipple for emphasis. She shivers as it hardens...

"...not here, Daddy. Someone might see..."

She licks her fingertip, swirling it around her nipple, flicking it as it swells. The bathroom door bangs open, startling her motionless for a moment before her fingers resume their work. She slides one around the entrance of her pussy, feeling it clench, amazed at how wet she already is. Moving her finger back she spreads the moisture over her clit, sliding her finger up and down, enjoying how slippery it feels. Not able to find purchase, it's almost like being teased.

His hands go still. He looks at her quietly. She looks away.

"What was that?" He gently grips both of her wrists in one hand. The other resumes it's teasing slide between her thighs, tracing over the buttons of her pants. "Did you just tell your Daddy no?"

"No, but..." Her gaze flickers to the street, certain that anyone passing can see him touching her.

His grip tightens. "That's what I thought." He lifts her arms above her head as she struggles quietly, still hoping for a reprieve. "You know what I said would happen the next time you told me no." She feels him pop the button on her pants, slide down the zipper. "I hate to punish you baby girl, but you know the rules by now."

Suddenly he stretches her arms out all the way and flips her over his knee. He swats her lightly on the butt. "Stop struggling; it will just make this louder than it needs to be." She freezes, feeling him tug first her pants, then her underwear to her knees. She feels the cool breeze followed by his warm hand sliding over her ass. His fingers tickle her asshole, making her squirm.

"Please, Daddy!! I promise I'll be good from now on!"

"I know you will, little girl." As she feels the first hard slap she starts to struggle again, only to have him pin her thighs between his legs, forcing her knees against the concrete step. Slaps rain down on her ass, progressively harder blows intermixed with long, sliding strokes over her cheeks and thighs. As she lies over his knees trying not to cry out or move, she can only imagine how she must look: her bare ass stretched over her Daddy's lap, arms pinioned behind her back, hair hiding her face, breasts falling out out of her open shirt. She starts to whimper and moan; he lets go of her arms to cover her mouth. "Cry as much as you want, baby girl." A few tears trickle down as she moans into his hand.

He settles into a steady rhythm, one cheek then the other, seeing them begin to redden. As they start to warm she stills, then begins to move with the blows, arching her back and thrusting her buttocks up to meet his hand. As her cries take on a panting rhythm he lets go of her mouth. The strokes begin to ease towards her cleft between blows. She can feel his cock start to stiffen against her thigh.

His other hand finds her erect nipple and squeezes, hard.

"Does my little girl like it when Daddy punishes her?"

She stifles a cry as his hand brushes against her pussy lips.

A heavier blow. "I asked if you like it when I spank you."

"...yes, Daddy!"

One finger, then two slide into her, moisture running down her thighs. She cries out into her arm, wiggling and thrusting against him. "You're so wet!" Crack! "Are you Daddy's little slut?"

"Yes, Daddy, yes!!"

"Say it." Crack!

"I'm your little slut Daddy!" Hand still buried inside of her he strikes her again, making her cry out. "I promise I won't be bad anymore!" Crack! Her pussy convulses around his fingers. "I'm sorry Daddy! Please, Daddy, please fuck your little slut!!"

"That sounds like a reward to me. You're supposed to be getting punished." Sliding her off of his lap, he opens his pants and pulls out his erect cock. "You're going to have to earn it."

She kneels in front of him, hair tousled, pants and underwear pushed carelessly around her knees. Her erect nipples show through her silk shirt. She no longer hears the passing cars as she looks up at him. Gently guiding her head he whispers into her ear. "Suck your Daddy's cock."

All resistance leaves her body as she abandons herself to the moment. She kisses the tip, licking up the moisture gathered there. She works her way down the shaft with quick, flicking tongue movements, pausing to suck his balls into her mouth before moving back up. "My little slut's done this before!" Her reply is lost as he pushes himself deep into her mouth, bumping against the roof before he thrusts deep into her throat. She looks up at him as she struggles to take him, her throat constricting around the head before she moves back. "It's too big for that Daddy," as her head moves back down. She licks and sucks at his dick as he begins to thrust. Her eyes plead for release as she reaches between her legs.

His cock is beginning to pulse and jump as he pulls away. As soon as her mouth is empty, "Please, please, Daddy! I'll be good! Just please fuck me!"

He looks down at her.

"Are you my little girl?"

"Yes, Daddy."

"Are you my little whore?"

"Yes, Daddy!"

"Do you want your Daddy to fuck you?"

"Yes Daddy! Please fuck me!!"

"You're going to do as you're told then?"

"Yes, Daddy, I'll do anything you want, just please put your cock inside me!"

"Bend over."

She braces against the top step, bent at the waist. He slides himself down between her cheeks. She moans as he presses against her asshole. He teases the head of his cock against her her pussy, mixing their fluids, listening to her whimper and beg. His hand begins to flick and rub at her clit, feeling her tighten around him as he slips just the head of his cock in... and out... as she rises to a fever pitch. His hands immobilize her hips as he slides, oh so slowly, all the way into her. Her pussy convulses around him as she writhes, moaning. He slides almost all the way out... and then fills her, pumping fast and hard. She starts screaming into her arm at the first stroke, biting down, cumming so hard she nearly breaks the skin, thrusting against him, moving with his body. "Thank you, thank you for fucking me Daddy! Thank you for fucking your little girl!" Orgasm after orgasm washes through her, making her pussy clench down on his cock as she cries out, until she hears "Daddy's going to cum little girl. I'm going to fill you up with my seed and make you mine forever!" As a final, enormous orgasm wracks her frame, she feels him slam against her, his hot fluids filling her as he grips her so hard it leaves marks.

They collapse against the stairs. Blinking, coming back to reality, as he holds her and asks if she's alright. She laughs. He stops for a moment, then slides two fingers deep into her pussy as she squeaks in surprise. Pulling them out, he looks at her. His fingers are covered in their cum. "Have you learned your lesson?"

She smiles, leans forward, and sucks his fingers clean.

"Yes, Daddy."

They straighten their clothes, grinning, and head back to the office.

Odd...

I'm busy, busy, busy this week, and I'm not even in the same part of the office anymore. Still, you're not here and the place feels... strange. Empty? Lonely? I'm not sure. Miss you!

I only have to deal with it for a week though. I wonder what it will be like for you after I leave. Or for me, for that matter. Maybe that's what the distance I've been sensing is all about. Or maybe that was just me. Probably for the best regardless; I've always been one for dealing with things before you have to and your options are limited.

Still, a sense of loss is a sense of loss. Even when I know it's what needs to happen, even when I preach it myself, it's hard...

Hehehe... Listen to me pout! If you're going to do something, do it all the way! ;P