I am feeling so lost.  What is implanted in my spirit that leads me to these terrible relationships?  If they don't start badly I fuck 'em up pretty quick.  BUT, to be fair, I tried to leave the last relationship over and over and over again.  I've lost track of the number of times that I tried to leave him.  But being human, he wouldn't go until he was the one leaving me.  And I'll leave him alone.  Maybe it's because I'm a kinder person.  Maybe it's because fear of rejection stops me.  I don't even know. 

I'm still lonely though.

Ha!

I was just wondering what I could do to move on to the next stage more quickly, since healing while in anger doesn't seem possible. What was the next stage again?  Oh!  Bargaining!  Looks like I'm here already. 

Stages

Hooray, I'm in the anger portion of my grieving.  The thing that is pissing me off?  I tried, SO MANY TIMES, to leave him before this.  For my own emotional health, yes, but also for his.  But he in his addiction wouldn't let me go, and so each time it was another several months of pain, fear, and anger.  Now that I've gotten him to back off enough to let me see what my problem was and I'm trying to deal with it, now that I've genuinely tried to make this work, he's done.

WHAT??????

The vengeance driven portion of my ego is screaming "NO!  Trick him into coming back so that you can do this to him!!"  And in the illusory world of 'fair' that makes sense.  But in the world that I live in, I have picked my own battles and this was one.  This is a battle I must fight to counteract my youthful panicked behaviors and decisions.  Apparently it just needed to be big enough, painful enough to make it seem worthwhile.  I'm looking forward to being the Artemis who can deal with my emotional problems before they get to be so huge I feel like I'm drowning.

And...  I've lost him.  It's my fault.  I love him more than I understand, but I couldn't make myself try in this relationship.  I feel like an ass to put it mildly.

I LOVE YOU J.T.  I AM SO, SO SORRY THAT I HURT YOU.

Truth

I have been playing sexual power games for a long time now.  On top emotionally, submitting physically (in all ways, not just in sex.)  Why?  My sexuality is another part of me, I cannot separate it from my soul.  So why have I been playing these games with it? 

I think that it is because I'm afraid.  Afraid of my power, afraid of my choices, afraid of my responsibility, afraid of ME.  Why?  What about me is so scary?

Is it because sex is sharing?  I've recently realized that I am surrounded by self-made walls & boundaries separating me from others when all I truly crave is to be not alone in life.  But letting others in means letting in danger, letting in someone else's ability to do me harm.  If I let them in, if I let myself need them, they can leave me.  I almost didn't survive it the last time I let it happen.

This feels like a terrible choice to have to make.  Not that it's really an either or choice I suppose.  I already know I cannot continue to be alone in this way.  It is driving me mad.  But do I go back to playing games (even typing that gave me a sense of relief) or do I take the risk, open up, and get crushed again?  I cannot see anything else happening.

So I need to find a way to change what I see.