I don't know who I am, or what I want

I don't know who I am, or what I want. I can't help but blame Mom. The one time in my life I felt free, I felt like myself, I kept trying to tell her about it, about the things that made me feel like myself, and I felt like she just sat there judging me about it. Yeah, it was also sex, and I understand why that probably made her feel uncomfortable, but COME ON. I AM YOUR DAUGHTER, TALK TO ME. ABOUT ME. DO I MATTER TO YOU? DO I ACTUALLY MATTER? Or was I just a convenient tool for self-therapy (that didn't work? Not that it could have, that's not how you get yourself healthy.) I just can't separate myself from not having been able to help you, thereby finally helping myself in any kind of a real way.

I think that's it, I think that's my main problem with her. Everything is about her. When we're togeter, it's about her. I don't even know how to talk about myself. I think I just need to stop caring about her. Because the second I do, I stop panicking. I stop the sobbing I've been doing for the last hour (it seems like that long, at least,) and I can think, and I can breathe, but then what? I think, what next? The next thought is, I can do things i need to get done, but I just want to take a second to enjoy being able to breathe, being able to enjoy just being, but even that even thinking of stopping to just enjoy being throws me into this thought spiral again and then i am thinking, I am spiraling, but I was just reading a book about a person who can't escape her spirals, so is that me?  I can't see how it can be. Is it even a thing I did before? I keep thinking of the first time that I realized, really REALIZED that the pictures I see in my head, the existence I see there wasn't reality, well, I knew THAT, the existence I saw was of a prehistoric place with huge cliffs and mountains and a waterfall and river and dinosaurs, dinosaurs everywhere, then it all fading out and realizing that I'm in my classroom, my jerk of a teacher was talking about who knows what, AND THAT MOMENT OF SHIFT IS MY LIFE. I live the life in my head, and my body lives the life in the world, and that moment of in between the two is the only time I really FEEL. Or that my feelings feel real.

But I read the beginning of the last paragraph and I feel calm again. So I'll stop there.

Weekend of fantasticness

I just had an amazing weekend.  Went to folklife on Saturday evening.  I was supposed to meet friends but they wound up not coming, so I just hung out in the beer garden by the stage for the Balkan Misfits event.  Wound up being joined by two separate groups of fantastic people from SoCal, convinced them to stay, listen, and fall completely in love with Balkan music and we all had a grand time.  Fell in love with two new bands (Byzantine Blue and SuperSquare (either the band or album name, I'm not sure which.)  Sunday I went up to Kim, Bruce, and Pete's for a party & pig roast, got drunk again and had yet another amazing time.

There are just some days when you smile at life and it smiles right back.  :D  Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

Here I am, back after several years.  2 of which have been spent being in a kind of relationship with David O.  That's over now, and even though I broke up with him I'm still in pain.  But what is causing that pain?

I classified it as "missing David" but I'm not sure how that could be it.  It's more of an emptiness that was always there, that I was just masking with this relationship.  Now that he's gone, it's gaping open and I don't even have anyone left to talk about it with.  I've really only got one friend locally and she's A) continually busy and B) has heard all of this before.

  I need to find me.

P.S.  David was and is wonderful.  We just didn't work.  No fault and no blame.  Just sad.  :P

You are amazing

You are amazing.  You, yes you.  You are powerful, strong-willed, live actively, and are a part of the world around you, which is also a part of yourself.  I love you.

I am feeling so lost.  What is implanted in my spirit that leads me to these terrible relationships?  If they don't start badly I fuck 'em up pretty quick.  BUT, to be fair, I tried to leave the last relationship over and over and over again.  I've lost track of the number of times that I tried to leave him.  But being human, he wouldn't go until he was the one leaving me.  And I'll leave him alone.  Maybe it's because I'm a kinder person.  Maybe it's because fear of rejection stops me.  I don't even know. 

I'm still lonely though.

Ha!

I was just wondering what I could do to move on to the next stage more quickly, since healing while in anger doesn't seem possible. What was the next stage again?  Oh!  Bargaining!  Looks like I'm here already. 

Stages

Hooray, I'm in the anger portion of my grieving.  The thing that is pissing me off?  I tried, SO MANY TIMES, to leave him before this.  For my own emotional health, yes, but also for his.  But he in his addiction wouldn't let me go, and so each time it was another several months of pain, fear, and anger.  Now that I've gotten him to back off enough to let me see what my problem was and I'm trying to deal with it, now that I've genuinely tried to make this work, he's done.

WHAT??????

The vengeance driven portion of my ego is screaming "NO!  Trick him into coming back so that you can do this to him!!"  And in the illusory world of 'fair' that makes sense.  But in the world that I live in, I have picked my own battles and this was one.  This is a battle I must fight to counteract my youthful panicked behaviors and decisions.  Apparently it just needed to be big enough, painful enough to make it seem worthwhile.  I'm looking forward to being the Artemis who can deal with my emotional problems before they get to be so huge I feel like I'm drowning.

And...  I've lost him.  It's my fault.  I love him more than I understand, but I couldn't make myself try in this relationship.  I feel like an ass to put it mildly.

I LOVE YOU J.T.  I AM SO, SO SORRY THAT I HURT YOU.