What is it that I want?

I've been extremely frustrated as of late that my BDSM needs have gone totally unmet. Then I realized that I can't even name to myself what it is I want. Let's start with something simple.

I want:
to be spanked
to be worshipped
to be bound
to be fucked
to be dominated...

but how?
I want to be controlled, to be owned, by someone who feels that that ownership is a privledge. I want, no need, to let go of being responsible for myself if only for a little while. The odd thing is that as long as I feel that they have that sort of feeling towards me that I'm looking for my other (psychological) limits are pretty limited. I like variety, I like hard usage, I like serving, emotionally at least. I'm not a "service sub", do your own damn dishes.

Next entry, more specific.

Suddenly I feel crushingly lonely.

How sad is it that Mike is less than 5 feet away and I don't feel like I can ask him for a hug.

Trying

Need BDSM. Can't seem to get any, at least in a way that gets me any satisfaction. I just keep winding up with guy after guy who talks a good game but when it comes down to it won't play. My current boyfriend won't play with me unless I top the whole damn thing from the bottom because my experience "intimidates him." WHAT???? This guy has done so much more, and weirder stuff, than I have but with me he won't even try. Hell, I can't even get him to spank me without me having to tell him to do it.

To top it all off, although we've determined that we're OK having a sexually open relationship, he's told me flat out that he's not OK with me having someone else Top me. Because I attach the level of importance to it that I do. And he doesn't want to lose me to someone who can Top me. Apparently it's never crossed his goddamn mind that if it's that important to me and he can't or won't even try to fill that role, he'll lose me anyway.

To be fair, we've spoken about this (many times,) and he's told me what he thinks he needs to make it work. But frankly I don't feel comfortable with the amount of control he needs me to take. For me Topping is a fun but largely unerotic experience, so any scene I'm going to run from the bottom isn't going to give me the release of control experience which is what I do BDSM for. As well, we have a really difficult time talking about it. He keeps telling me that he doesn't know how to start "the story" but we're not talking roleplaying or any kind of pretending to be anyone/thing we're not and he's acknowledged that that's not what he means. But he can't seem to tell me what he does mean. The only thing I can think of that fits might be "headspace" but we've talked about that too, and I don't even remember how that went, only that it went nowhere.

Thankfully we'll have money again soon, and he's showed willingness to take some classes that I've spotted. But we've been together well over a year and I am seriously losing patience. I love him, but if he can't get over his fear of losing me if he fucks up, he's going to lose me for not even trying. I've told him that not even trying would be by far the worse of the two errors - I've never expected anyone to be perfect, but I'm seriously hard on those who won't even try. And yet I don't feel I can talk to him honestly about this until it's too late anyway. Fuck, he's already nervous. "Top me or I'll dump you"? Yeah, I can see that having great results.

Shit, this is my fault. I keep saying that all I really want is the physical play, but all of my problems come from the fact that he won't take any initiative, that I feel I have to run it all. Obviously I am requiring at lease some domination. And I'm just as unwilling to bend as he is, which doesn't work since this is my need we're talking about. I'll find a way to fix this. Or I won't.

But I'll at least try.