Any ideas?

Went out dancing in Boystown (Chicago's gay neighborhood) last night. Had a lot of fun. Felt awkward, just because I'm so out of practice at being in new situations/places on my own anymore. But I met at least two people who thought I was fabulous, which was just what I needed.

That said, I think I may be actually suffering from depression (rather than just feeling depressed.) In fact, I must be. On writing those words I thought "Eh, I could just stop being all sad," and answered "yeah, but why bother?" I wouldn't call it tragicomic, but it's close. What the hell has happened to me?? Or rather, what have I done to myself...

OK, what would help...? I really need to not live with Mike for a while. I can't deal with his hypocrisy and excuses, not right now. These are new too, or at least the severity of them. I can't even talk to him about them, he freaks out and denies everything. I think it must be that he's in a Manic phase, which I haven't experienced before now. I may have said it before, but Manic Mike is a dick.

The problem with this is where the hell would he go? His Mom lives in Washington. His stepmother only recently started allowing him in his Dad's house again. There's no way he could stay there. Almost all of his friends have moved back in with their parents, his godfather is living with some extremely generous friends while he gets back on his feet... He can't take care of himself, I can't think of anyone else who could take care of him, and I can barely afford to keep the two of us in one apartment, let alone two. He suggested that the other day, getting two studios in the same building.

I love him, and I miss him when he's gone, but I need to not live in the filth he generates for a while. I need to focus on me, instead of having to help him with anything he's supposed to do so that he doesn't feel overwhelmed and decide to play video games instead. I never wanted kids - now I appear to be stuck being a mommy anyway.

What to do?

There is so much negativity in my life right now. Rather, I feel incredibly negative about my life. We moved out to Chicago, and rather than getting better everything has gotten worse. The life I'm living, have been living since we moved here is too much. It's too heavy. I can't bear this anymore. I really do love him, but I lose patience with Mike at the drop of a hat, and frankly think we should split up. Unfortunately he's the only person I'm close to out here and I'm the reason he's not starving and homeless. Also, if he moved out I'd lose the kitties. And frankly, they give me the only love I feel OK about taking anymore. I need help, and there isn't any out there for me. I have rarely felt so abandoned.

I feel so utterly alone right now. I wish I could just die already. Apparently I've had all the good my life had to offer.