I've been masturbating all day, and what's it done for me? Nothing, really, other than increase my arousal. It's funny, I said something to Roomie the other day about preferring an actual penis to a vibrator, and he looked utterly surprised and confused.

I guess someone can be confused by that. I don't know what other women feel, but the impression I have largely received is that most women prefer toys to men for physical pleasure. Maybe I'm different because I am very spiritually/psychically connected to others. For me the presence of another person is key to my pleasure. The pleasure of my partner is also key. I've been known to orgasm just by helping my partner masturbate. I guess this is unusual.

And yet... I'm disappointed because I don't think I've ever had sex with Roomie sober. Unfortunately, when I've been drinking I lose all subtlety in bed. I'm always direct, but if I care about my partner I can tune myself more to what they want. Roomie clearly wants something else, more delicacy, more indirectness is my guess, but heaven forbid that ever happen. Or he ever tell me what it is he does want. I almost wish we'd never slept together. He's fantastic, and living with one of my better lovers is mildly torturous when I'm celibate.

Part of me really wants to just confront him directly, to attempt to seduce him. On the other hand, we seem to live together pretty well and I would hate to ruin that. Which is part of the reason I haven't attempted anything. The other being that I've become somewhat cowardly again and would probably want a drink or two first, which would destroy the entire plan.

I was hoping writing about it would help me sort it out, but it has simply intensified my internal conflict. Alas... ;-)

I was wrong...

...I'm still (at least a little bit) in love with my roomie. I don't know why, and I don't know how to make it go away. Possibly it's just because I don't want to, I want something to happen, and for it to work out.

I've been broken, love-wise, since I was a teenager. So for whatever reason, I seem to only truly fall for those who are unavailable to me. I am so tired of only being with the broken, or those who need help and (usually financial) support. Or being the third person in a relationship. I'm just exhausted.

It's funny. While I'm hornier than ever (which for me is saying quite a bit,) all I really want is to be held, and kissed, and cared for. By someone that I can respect, and trust to run their own life. Maybe that's asking a bit much; I haven't been succeeding in that myself terribly well. Oh well, I'm sure one day I'll have worked it out...