Addiction

Why.  Why have I gone back to confusing sex with love?  Why did I ever do it in the first place?  I know the reason I've been spouting for so long: it's the media.  On television sex = love, or so I've believed for a long, long time.  But does it?

On television, in movies, in books, sex is fulfillment in and of itself.  It can be the answer to a question, the end to a journey, a crucial part in building a relationship.  Wow, this is hard to get out.  It's like my brain is running away from this idea.  Which means I have to chase it.  Head on, from the front of the problem not the back or underneath.

What does sex mean to Me?
-approval, acceptance
-orgasms
-control
-being desired
-

It's like a self-fulfilling cycle - I use it to gain acceptance and affection.  In order to not lose those things, I also try to use it to control my lovers.  Once they are under my control, I lose interest.  The more I possess them, the less I want them.  In the beginning my retreat is also a game - how hard will he chase me, what lengths will he go to to prove his love?  But the faster I run, the harder they cling because that is what they've been trained to do.  And like a bad dog owner...  I'm writing a story here.  This isn't the truth, it's just my ego.

Why?  Why do people want me, lust after me, love me?  I know it's not just my body, they do that whether they have sex with me or not.

I need to stop believing this.  My belief is what causes it to exist, what makes it so strong.  I don't want to believe I'm undesirable though.  My self-acceptance is too low.  This feels like the only way to keep my ego 'healthy'.  Which is a lie.  

Confusion

I don't know what to do.  I'm engaged, and I love my fiance, but he lives on the opposite side of the country and has for our entire 2 year relationship.  He loves me so much but I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

1. He lives in fear, particularly where I am concerned.  He's afraid something awful will happen to me when I walk down the street.  He's afraid I'll cheat.  He's afraid when I get my friggin hair cut!!  I have tried to get him through this, but he's not willing to let the fear go.

2. None of the plans we have made have come to any kind of fruition.  He can't find a job that he is willing or able to keep.  He wants to work, but doesn't know himself well enough to know what he can do.

3. He really, really wants kids.  I don't.  He's says he's ok with that, but he isn't.  This is a need for him, regardless of what he says.  And he's yet another of those men who is nearly a child himself emotionally.  I don't want to raise him while I'm raising his kids.


Good things:

He loves me
He is willing to cover my inabilities