Gender Outlaw

I just read a book I thoroughly enjoyed called Gender Outlaw. It was written by a MTF post-op transexual (as the lingo goes, although I'm proud to say that I knew the lingo before I read the book. Color me proud.) The basic theme of this book was not a tribute to, or lamentation of, her sex change. Or a tell all autobiography. Hell, it wasn't even a kinky erotic novel. The point of this book was simply to make an argument against the very idea of gender as a bi-polar rule of existence.

I won't go over her arguments. But this did make me think, and in the end I think I have a better self understanding than I did before. And I think I agree with her.

First things first. I love, love, LOVE my vagina. Wouldn't trade it for the world, and certainly not for a penis. And physical genitalia aside, I've never felt like a "man". At least not in the stereotypical sense. Have I ever really felt like a "woman"? Again, in the stereotypical sense? I don't think so... or perhaps more accurately, I've felt like both, very intensely and often at the same time...

...I tried to "prove" the point with stories from my life and while they upheld it in an anecdotal way they didn't speak to the idea I'm holding right now. When it comes down to it, sometimes I react in a "masculine" way, sometimes in a "feminine" way. I've been a bottom, a top, a Dom, a submissive. Hell, some days I feel more like a plant than anything else, or a river, or an earthquake. And those are all starting to feel like they share an equal importance. I think that I've been shedding my gender identity to a small degree without even noticing for a while now.

Once again, I'm not quite sure how I feel about this or what kind of affect it will have on my life, but I think it will be fun finding out!

"That's All I'm Asking for! (That's All She's Asking for!)"

Which seems to be not a whole heck of a lot lately. I know myself, at least in this way. I'm still breaking myself of that evil, insidious "I probably won't get it so I'm not gonna want it" training.

(Well, silly is probably a better word. Let's not get the bad habit overly impressed with itself, eh? Hell, me either. The last thing I need to be doing is patting myself on the back because I've got a weird/hard/interesting hang up. Like that matters... Hehehe... Wait, wait, train of thought derailing...!)

So, right. I know me, I have set myself up for failure as far as getting my move accomplished on schedule, and ultimately at all. But goddamn it, I am NOT falling for my psyche's stupid parlor tricks this time around. Although, since I seem to do my best work in crisis mode maybe I've just set myself up to really shine... who knows.

Did some good work today. Not as good as it could have been, but for being exhausted not bad. Gonna keep on keeping on. I will accomplish this, and nothing will stand in my way.

Not even me.

P.S. - I think from the title I had a different post in mind when I started, but now that song is linked in my head so it stays.

P.P.S. - Once again, Sarge has inadvertently (or possibly not?) given me another great gift. He's been pretty open about stating that he doesn't believe I'm leaving. I'm not sure whether or not he ever encountered my mulish nature though - the fact that I dig my heels in and work the hardest not for my own desires but in opposition of other's. Him saying that I won't go has given me the best goad so far for breaking my inertia and fucking doing this. He just left for his two week vacation, and his first day back is my last day here. I've debated going after a job that will require me immediately, just so that I'll already be gone when he gets back. Not to hurt him, but simply as my most powerful refutal of his opinion. That's a mostly a fantasy, but it is a great outline of this particular tendency of mine, and how much it can dominate my life when I let it.

I don't think I'll do it though. A wryly ironic universe aside, this is in all probability the last time I will ever see Sarge... (Ye Gods, what a weirdly muted emotional maelstrom that thought creates!) I plan on asking for a hug. And getting one, I realize. Part of me wants to ask for a goodbye kiss as well, but... I just don't know. I've always been one to go out with a bang, or at least with full acknowledgement of loss. This was such a life affecting relationship for me, more than any other romantic relationship I've ever had. To part just as friends... To not say goodbye to a (former) lover that I care about more than I could ever express... doesn't seem right. But, he has his faith, his marriage, his life, and I love him. The last thing in the world I want is to screw that up for him, even in his own head. Although, typing that, I've come to the realization that I will just ask for what I (want? need?) and let him give his answer as he will.

Hmm... It just occurred to me... I wonder if he'll miss my last day, just to avoid that situation. I'd understand, but wow, that would suck.

Ah, well. C'est la vie.


P.P.P.S. Hey, I guess I am asking for something. Nice to see my mind can still be circularly enigmatic when it wants to.

Boats, chains, roads, roots

A recent meme informed me that my hidden talent was for "rocking the boat". My first reaction was "wrong!"... but then, I'm far from the mythical "stereotypical American". Hmmm.... I think I need to go back to my more rebellious roots. I have become too bland and middle of the road in my never ending search for outside approval. Although renewed search might be a better way of putting that. But I'm getting past that place of need again. Fuck it, what has the approval of others ever done for me but distract me from my own growth, my own sense of right?

Everything for me seems to come back to the idea that there is one way out of this middle ground mire of constant, jerk-sharp scramblings between resentful dependence and bitterly held freedom. Choosing to either be only part of a whole, to sublimate myself in a relationship, to give myself over, or to be alone, emotionally at least, to take a path of solitude to whatever invisible goal it is that I've been chasing all these years. Which is odd, because it is the same crossroads I find myself at on my spiritual path. Do I seek the god within, or the god without?

Knowing that they are one and the same is all well and good, but I still need to pick a path. I'm not sure I can do it both ways at the same time. I have traveled a ways on each path, but neither seems to be good enough. The god outside is too restricting - I'm past the point at which I am willing to accept any outside restraint on my own code of ethics (consciously, at least.) On the other hand, I am not sure I possess the emotional strength and (more importantly) balance to walk the solitary path right now...

But how true is that, really? A great quote, I think my favorite: "Should I bring my own chains?" "We always do." If I don't have the strength, the balance, right now that I did have not all that long ago, why is that? I am different every day, but when you get down to the core, the soul, I am always me. I can feel that strength, that love and joy, waiting for me to stop saying that it isn't there and use it.

It's time for me to stop embracing this pain, seeking it out. Because, in the end, I haven't slipped on my path, I haven't lost ground. I'd forgotten - there is no path. I can't think of a good way to put that (greater people than I have been trying for ages.)

Be centered in the now.

And stop talking.