I thought I was flying, maybe I've been falling

I watched this video on YouTube today about dealing with breakups. Not because I'm going through that but just because I got a link and was curious. It was very good advice that I myself try to be in tune with. At the end, he speaks about making sure that your level of inner-contentment is self-generated. I take that as making sure that you like yourself because you decide you're worth liking, not because others like or praise you. This is I think the most crucial part of being emotionally healthy.

The last few months I have been coming out of a phase of depression and serious dissatisfaction with myself. Recently I've been making or rediscovering friends left, right, and center, and everyone has been telling me how fantastic I am. This has done a lot to boost my self-esteem. When I saw that video though it made me stop and think: is it really self-esteem if it is all because other people care about, like, or admire me? No, when put that way it clearly isn't SELF-esteem at all.

I know me, and I know human emotional reactions, and I'm certainly not giving myself a hard time because I needed others to show me that I'm worth loving again. But I definitely needed to be reminded to love myself, and not to use other people's love for me as a replacement of that. I've been kind of up and down lately, and I think that was why. One needs a certain amount of input to maintain their happiness. The only way to make that constant and true is to input it yourself. I needed to start loving myself again.

Ha! I just gave somebody that exact advice a few days ago. There are times I wonder if I'm the only person who gives others advice that they themselves need to receive.

That was actually insanely easy

Had a night of drinking with Roomie last night. Got incredibly drunk. We talked about the living thing, and also about the fact that I had a problem with his ranch statement. He's not going to abandon me to be homeless, and I don't remember what exactly got said about us romantically, other than mutually agreeing it wouldn't work.

We got up this morning and went out in search of pastries. On the way he got kind of mildly giddy and said he was going to get some coffee from his hot barrista. We pull up, and DAMN, she was sexy. And she was definitely friendly. But she seemed fake somehow to me. Like she was trying to achieve a look of perfection so hard that she didn't know what she actually looked like anymore or something. I started watching the kinds of girls he noticed and realized that they were all very young, bouncy, athletic or physically almost perfect...

Suddenly I realized that I wasn't interested in Roomie romantically anymore. What he wants is one of those women that spend a huge amount of energy modeling themselves after the women in magazines. I personally find being one of those women a disgraceful thing, and lost a little bit of my admiration of Roomie for wanting what I feel to be a lie.

Now, I'm getting the sensation that I'm not being totally honest with myself. I know it's not about how my feelings for him have changed, I think it's more the concept I've held until now that it's IMPOSSIBLE to look as good as women in magazines in real life. Obviously it's not. But knowing that makes me no more likely than before to pursue that. I've got much, much better things to do with my life.

I'm just happy because for the first time since before I moved in, I've moved ON.

Breathing again, hooray!

Talked with Roomie briefly this morning. Aparently he's looking at a house he's thinking about buying today. Which he told me during the 'renting a room' conversation, but I was too busy freaking out to hear it. Aparently I was very stealthily freaking; he had absolutely no idea I was upset.

I had already calmed the fuck down, but it was nice to hear that he really is looking at all his options. I do find it somewhat hilarious that the only reason he is even considering getting just a room is because when we had the conversation where we came to the conclusion that we would stay roommates I asked him if that was what he needed and told him not to worry about me. So he did, after the conversation, and came up with the renting a room thing.

Just goes to show that I'm often considerate to my own detriment and also that I don't deal well with surprises.

Well, I boned that...

...and not in the fun way. So I came home from a curious night with Sarge who I haven't seen in years and his new wife (who is a fantastic lady,) and spent some time talking to Roomie. About how I felt about the evening at Sarge's, Roomie and my varying sex drives, the usual style of conversation for us. We were up and talking for a couple of hours if I'm remembering correctly. He was doing his "I'm should go to bed" dance for the last half-hour or so, where he'll say something, go into his room and do some bedtime prep, come back out, say he really should go to bed now, repeat. So what I was ready for was him going to bed. What I was not ready for was him doing the final steps of the dance which is generally the last time I talk to him in an evening, then coming back out of his bedroom to ask if it was alright (or if I would mind, or what I thought, or something like that) if when we have to move out he just rented a room from a friend of his.

And I fucked it up. I actually had my "wait, you're breaking up with me?" type of reaction. I froze up, then started telling him that I'd be fine and he needed to worry about himself; that I wasn't his job, he wasn't responsible for me, etc., in that really passive-aggressive/wounded way that I do when I'm surprised by pain or fear and another person is involved.

Of course, what I said and what I was going through were not the same thing. We've had the "what we're doing after R sells the condo" conversation several times. I thought I had made sure that he still wanted to room together the last time. So I've been unemployed and not filing for unemployment or looking for work because what I felt like I needed the most was just some time to rest and I had money to live off of already. Which is now gone. I was already planning on filing today, but that takes some time to get going. Then he sprung on me this idea of maybe I was going to have to get my own place in two months...

...or maybe he'd buy a house, or maybe we'd get an apartment together, but what he led with was maybe he'd just rent the room so that he could seriously start saving and clear some debt so that he could get a house more easily in the future. I got woken up by my phone at like 6 this morning, so I was up when he was leaving. As he was about out the door I asked him to not make any further plans about the move until I had a chance to talk to him again, in what I'm sure he took as my voice of doom or at least anger. It was actually the most emotionless voice I have, but since I usually have a happy voice it probably didn't come off well. I can't do this right now, so I'm going to ask him to just grab another place with me for 6 months so that I can start rebuilding my savings and have the $ to survive on my own.

I feel stupid. This is the same position I get myself in over and over, assuming that a) things will either continue as they are or as I've planned and b) that my hopes for future events will work out. I never leave myself any kind of cushion for things not going the way I want them to. I also realize that I've been assuming that the world owed me for the shit I've gone through the last 5 years, and letting Roomie (who is even more passive-aggressive than I am) carry me fiscally. He never said anything specifically to me about getting off of my ass, or rather, his ass, so everything must be OK right?

It makes me very sad. If I was rested, I'd feel angry with myself. Why did I feel like doing a similar thing to him that my roommates in Chicago did to me wouldn't lead to the same reaction from him that I had? He doesn't want the things that I can give emotionally, which is why nearly everyone I know is friends with me. I don't know why we're friends honestly other than I love him (platonically) and I'm pretty sure he cares about me. I just don't know why those things are true.

It's times like these that I hate life.

Age

How is it that the people I went to school with look so much different, so much older, yet I still look basically the same as I did in high school? Is it the world we chose to live in? Mine of my heart and mind and soul, theirs' of society's designated role? Is it because they've taken more responsibility (real, actual responsibility) and I have not? Am I the child, or are they? Or all of us, or none of us... This is such a complicated question and I don't really feel the desire to delve today. Someday.

Flying high!

I have been flying so high lately. I had forgotten what a joy it is to be me.

Yaaay hugs!!

I got spontaneous hugs from Roomie last night before he went to bed!! Usually I have to find him and dig him out of where ever he's sitting, or just do the awkward hug while one person is sitting down. I wasn't even thinking of it when he told me he was going to bed, just said goodnight and turned back to the show I was watching. Then he patted his chest, held out his arms, and looked at me expectantly. So of course I got up and hugged him!

I suppose it could be passive-aggressive "how do you like it?" behavior, but I'm not worried about that. If he's got a problem with me wanting hugs he can say something. But I honestly don't think that's it. I think he just spontaneously hugged me because he wanted a hug which makes me immeasurably happy. I think hugs and affection in general are valuable things that we can give away for free, and both giver and recipient benefit. For me, living in a society that frowns on spontaneous affection is like living in an atmosphere with not nearly enough oxygen. It's lovely to get a breath of fresh air occasionally.

Aaaarrrgh!!! N'stuff...

I missed the Torchlight Parade, but went to the parade celebrity's party afterwards. It was fun! Although apparently I missed most of what I would normally be there to see (spankings, pirate testicles on the bar, etc.) because I was having a lovely evening drinking with my new friend. Well, kind of new. He's a long time friend of one of my best friends, but this was the first time I've gotten to hang out with him without being at a club and saying "WHAT??" every time I saw someone's mouth moving. We had a wonderful night of discussions, followed by cuddles and kisses until dawn. All in all, I think I got exactly what I was looking for. I'm not sure he got everything he wanted, but he thanked me all night for saving him from performing for the party and actually conversing with him. Many thanks to my new friend for making me feel comfortable and appreciated.

::Edit:: Apparently he did get exactly what he wanted. Hooray!!!