Cravings

I tend to be pretty flexible about what I expect when it comes to sex. I orgasm at the drop of a condom, so I don't need a particular style or "thing" to get me off. My basic requirements (for the moment) are that I get a real live penis in me and that I don't have to wait too long for it. I've been told that I'm like a guy in my tendency to go straight to penetration.

This means that I don't tend to have specific cravings for things that I'm not already doing on a regular basis. I'll go through phases in which I really focus on certain types of play, but once those become less readily available I reset to the basics fairly quickly.

But not now. Now I just really, really want to get fucked in the ass. To the exclusion of other types of sex, which has never happened before. I think it may be my psyche's perverse (pun intended) reaction to the fact that my current main sexual partner thinks that anal sex is "icky". Which I don't begrudge him at all, but OH MY GOD am I feeling the need to have my ass filled with cum.

*sigh*

I suppose there are worse things in life...

Lessons

I have learned, yet again, that I have a lot to learn. About things I can't even imagine right now. I suppose this is a part or an addendum to whatever lesson I will (hopefully) be getting later tonight; that there are things I need to fix about my psyche that I don't even know are broken. It's a hard thing to realize that I don't have shit half as well figured out as I thought I did. Harder to realize how closed off to learning new things I've become. Which is how it is for everybody I guess, but I thought I was supposed to be different.

I really, really did. Wow. Now that's arrogance.

So, my apologies to all for the conceited attitude I've been subjecting you to. I wish I could do more but I don't have anything else to offer.

What I Love

1) Good Friends - I have friends I love and who love me back. Friends who won't disappear at the drop of a hat. People who I've gone through rough times with and come out the other end with a stronger bond. I love everyone (not as much as I can or should, but I'm doing my best) but these people are the foundation blocks of my life, my touchstone to reality. I know I could do it alone but I am so grateful that I don't have to.

2) My Knowledge of Right and Wrong - Even when I don't follow it it's there. It makes fucking up more painful, certainly, but there is a huge sense of freedom in knowing that my pain comes from my decisions. There isn't anyone out there hurting me. It's all in my hands, therefore I can make it stop at any time. Just take a deep breath, and... be.

3) The Beautiful World We Live In - I look around me and see this jewel of a world that we live in. It is such a beautiful gift. I often wonder how people can believe that either our ecological system or our existence as thinking, soulful beings is just some cosmic accident. On top of that, how can we be anything less than eternally grateful for what we have? Everything is glorious! We are blessed, blessed, blessed, every day of our lives. I have an image of looking back at my life after I die and seeing the worst day of my life as a blessing. I have been trying to find my path back to joy and I think that it lies in remembering this, and also

4) Our Connection to Everything - We are all a part of the same great being/thing/existence. I'm the hand, you're the eyes, he's the lungs, she's the mind; or perhaps more accurately viewed as cells, or even atoms, or... however far down you need to go. We're tiny, insignificant in one light. Yet our existence makes the larger existence possible. If we were not here the universe would feel our lack. And when we learn to pay attention, we can feel that current, that interconnectivity running through us every second of our lives. How can we feel lonely when we're never, ever alone?

Oooh, Surly!

So, went to CarGuy (henceforth to be known as J)'s place for a bbq last night. It was fun. The guy who was supposed to give me a ride home ditched me when he realized that (gasp!) I was there with J and he wasn't gonna get into my pants. Possibly some kind of "If I'm not getting any I'll get my friend laid!" sneaky (in the loosest sense of that word) plan. He's that kind of guy.

"Oh well, I can just stay the night and go home in the morning. At least I'll get laid"

Ha!

Instead we argued, and I cried, for I don't know how long. He'd call it a discussion, not an argument, but anything that makes me cry repeatedly has earned that moniker in my book.

At this point I'm trying to decide whether or not to keep 'seeing' him (I said something about that the night before last and he informed me that we were 'just friends', even though we fuck like bunnies and now we're arguing) until I move or just quit while I'm ahead. I already know that we wouldn't make a good couple, although we might make decent friends.

The whole situation is just stupid. We're supposed to hang out tonight, I need to figure out whether I should tell him not to bother.

In general, lack of sleep and excessive emotional output has made me feel grumpy. Maybe I'll splurge a little and go have fun tonight. Hmmm...

Not Particularly Sad...

...but I feel like I should be. In fact my brain keeps trying to find ways to make me sad. Silly thing. Not nearly as good at it as it used to be though. I'm getting better at this.

I've been going through a rough time the last few months. I made a decision a while back to go against my ethical code. It was easily the most painful decision that I've ever made; actually, physically painful the moment I made it. Ironically I still don't know why I made it.

And I've been paying, and paying, and paying for that... I'm not even sure I got much of a lesson out of this mistake. Perhaps that's why my soul cried out against this so much at the start. So far, what I've gotten from this is visceral confirmation of basic folklore: if you use wrong action to gain a thing, that thing is what you will not get. Period. There is no modifying clause to that statement. You may get something close, you may think you've gotten the thing itself, but it will reveal itself to be fool's gold in the end. To those who know of this situation - don't assume you know what my goal was. I'm still having trouble figuring it out.

So today a friend told me they found Jesus, and that made me genuinely happy. I'm not Christian anymore, but I was at one time and still feel it to be worthwhile and valuable in and of itself. This is where they should be. But they said that I seemed "lost" and I think they may have mentioned ministering to me. To that I say you're right - I have been lost. I've been lost since I chose to step off of my path into the trackless wilderness. But I took that step with my eyes open, knowing I was leaving the path that was correct for me. I know now that I can find it again as well. I appreciate the care behind wanting to help me, and I'd love to talk with you about what you're learning, to see it through your eyes. But that is your path. Not mine. I've been a fair way down it, and realized that it wasn't going to take me places I needed to go before I reached the end.

I didn't need a change in my life or in my perspective to realize that what I did was wrong, or why. I knew, felt it was wrong when I did it, and did it anyway. I backslid in Christian terminology, as I'm sure I will again, as we all do. It doesn't invalidate either my path or theirs.

I'm sticking with mine.

Now where's that machete...?

*edit* Have spoken with the above mentioned convert today, and was told that 'ministering' to me never came up. That "memory" was my paranoia at work, not their action. My apologies, and all the love and hope in the world to them.

Over and Over

I hate the situation I'm in, and the part that pisses me off the most is knowing I've got no one but myself to blame.

Once again, I've committed actions that my true voice cried out against. The voice that has yet to fail me in anything. So now I look around and see that, yes, I've lost a romantic relationship that for a time was very important to me; far worse is the fact that I've lost a friendship that I treasured. And to top it all off the way it's happened has struck at the heart of my self-worth issues.

So what do I do? Sit here and whine about it?

FUCK NO

I don't have to like this situation, but I don't have to care about it either. It was a stupid thing to do, but apparently I needed this visceral of a lesson to drive the point home. So, moving on. Thanks for sitting through the emotional purge.

TGIFF

Oh man, is it one of those days. I think I've hit critical mass for insomnia this week. :) Earlier in the day it wasn't so bad. Now I'm wandering around the office stifling the urge to tell people 'what I think of them'. Sarge and I aren't talking, and FAS is busy, busy, busy, so I don't have anyone to distract me but you, gentle reader.

- note to self: need more readers

That aside, it's shaping up to be a great weekend! Date-tastic, in fact. Bought my car last night and was invited back to the seller's for a BBQ. Got to have great steaks and watch Beavis and Butthead with some amusingly crass gamer guys. We're supposed to do 'BBQ Part 2, When Everyone gets Trashed' tonight. Staying over there for the night (hoping for sex, CarGuy and I do seem to mesh well that way. Not mind blowing, just good chemistry) then coming back on Saturday to have date #2 with Obsidian. YUM!! I'm just going to assume sex there (in case you haven't guessed, I'm a horny girl at the moment.) Sunday was supposed to be a Me'n'Cap'n day, specifically the arboretum and learning to drive my stickshift (!!!) but once again he has cancelled in favor of work. Since this is going to make things a lot easier for the project I'm not bitching. Besides, this way I'll get some much needed rest. Hopefully. What's that saying about 'no rest for the wicked'? ;)

So, I have all of that to look forward to. I just have to make it through the rest of today with no blood on my hands. Simple, right?

Right....

Safe, Sane, and Informative

While indulging my curiosity/lust for my latest kink, I stumbled across what seems to be a great information site:

http://www.fetishexchange.org/

I'm not sure how much this site has to offer more experienced players. Personally I really like the tone, word usage, and non-exclusive attitude. It seems like a good site for those generally curious about a variety of subjects (want to know the hanky code? How about gloryhole etiquette?) as well as a non-threatening and low key intro for vanilla folks and kinky novices. The articles cover a variety of subjects (technical, emotional, physical, and social) and tend to be well written; high praise coming from me.

I particularly enjoyed the one on rethinking kink:

"The scene's tendency toward compartmentalization and limitation ... may, with this next level of discussion, be on the wane. Certainly, by bringing in more open talk of the real obstacles to intimacy and expression, folks will be able to have a more sophisticated, multilayered fuck."

Amen to that.

Ah, the Irony of it All...

When I'm looking for sex partners, all I get are people who want big intense relationships. When I start looking for a relationship, suddenly my life is full of great lays whom I have nothing in common with. I decided to take a break from sexual/romantic interaction with men altogether last weekend, and now I have guys pouring out of my ears! ARGH!

Also, met a fabulous, fabulous guy online. Lived here until just a few years ago but we never met. Now he lives in Indianapolis. Where I just was. I kept thinking I should check OKC (where we 'met') for matches out there but didn't do it.

Here's to trusting your instincts.